Tuesday, April 19, 2016

Delaying The Inevitable

I knew going into it that February was going to be rough.  

If you look at my last post you see joy, anticipation, and excitement.  February came and went but those feelings had (over the last 6 months) seemingly been replaced with fear, anger, and jealousy.  But there is light at the end of the tunnel so keep reading.

This summer, at 12 weeks pregnant, we had our first miscarriage.  I say first not that we have had others since, but rather in acknowledgement that some have gone through this multiple times.

I have put off writing about it here (despite the birth announcement) because I didn't know what to say.  It felt bad feeling bad.  I didn't want to be jealous of every friend that posted their pregnancy photos.   I wanted to be excited for them, offer up some tips and tricks for the first timers, and enjoy a cigar in the delivery room with the dad.  Ok so that last part may only be in the movies, and I think they hand them out without actually lighting, but still I wanted to be happy about it all.

Happy just didn't seem to form. 2015 had already started off on a semi-crazy note which began with the layoff; I was able to get a contract job in March.  The pay was good, but as a contractor, there were no benefits or time off.

  In august my contract was terminated unexpectedly (another potential downside to contract work)

 While the very nature of the position was such that they could end it at any time, I was still quite surprised.  

I had been missing time at the office due to the miscarriage, and wanting to be home with Heather.  My employer incredibly generous and considerate and had no problem with my time away.  I couldn't help but think though that my performance had slipped as well.  Indeed it had.  Without actively realizing it, I had let deliverables fall through the cracks and my attendance began to start later and later in the day. My work that I was turning in was slowly but surely losing quality.

Autumn found me right where January had.  Unemployed, without prospects, but now, I was also frustrated, saddened, and confused by the miscarriage. I had lost a significant swagger that used to be in my step.  

So you can see why despite my desire, the idea of just being happy wasn't working.  To be honest though,  I wasn't working all that hard on it either.

There is a danger in the feeling of invincibility, and I walked that line without attention to that danger for a bit too long. Broken and seemingly at the end of my rope there was one more key step in the  "knocking me off my pedestal process" though that still had to happen.

  I began a video log of everything that was happening, starting with Christmas 2014 to document our journey, I had plans to take this wild difficult year and turn it into something inspiring for others. 

I took hours of video documenting how I was feeling what was going on, our road trips while looking for jobs, and even our pregnancy announcement.

Despite the trials, and pain of the year thus far,  I had convinced myself it was all going to be ok by taking comfort in the fact that at least all that video would be a great way to look back on the year.  After all,  I was narrating it,  I was going to edit it really nice, place a score and other music as needed to really hit the important parts (note the arrogance beginning to re-form).  

Then the computer crashed.  When I say crashed, I mean like hard.  HARD!  As in Hard Drive.  So bad in fact that the computer tech who attempted to fix it acknowledged just how sophisticated the virus that had just erased my entire year was.

All of the data was gone.  Hundreds of hours of home video and interviews deleted forever.  Seemingly this would be a tiny piece compared to everything that had happened in the year,  and in fact it was.  It just happened to be the last piece I was holding onto.

I promised light at then end,  so here is is.  I am here. A far less ignoragant and arrogant version.  Neither of those are attributes I would ever have thought I possessed, Lesson learned!

  Our family is ok.  There is excitement for the future, and at the end of the day,  God is good.  I look forward to sharing many positive moments as they come, but had to take a minute to breathe, reflect, and collect what had come along with a year of crazy. 

We are blessed beyond belief, and I cant wait to get back to the fun, outgoing, crazy posts that I love.   The baby we lost will ALWAYS be a part of us, moving forward does not have to mean moving on.

I will never forget 2015 and the lessons I was forced to face.  I am not happy about what happened or how I reacted most of the time to it, but I am grateful for the opportunity to have learned from it,  and look forward to what God has in store for our family in the future. 

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